It’s okay NOT TO BE okay

29th March 17,

Do you ever feel like life is just going ‘right’, things are improving, your mental health is improving, you’re feeling like you’re falling in love with life again (or maybe for the first time ever?!) and then suddenly BAM! Things happen, that changes..
I felt like I had things almost ‘figured’ out. I’ve finally started therapy again, for panic disorder, (which led to agoraphobia), and I have been doing exposure therapy. Which I started to almost look forward to, and be excited for the next hurdle to overcome.

But now, after the past months and especially the past two weeks of so much stress and worrying, my basic self-care really spiralled down.

Then the emotional rollercoaster really took its turn. Then came the intense anxiety, following depression state. Not wanting to leave the bed, to feeling so high, thinking I could conquer the world. Then going back to the old friend, numbness. Ah, that’s the time where I really appreciate those other times when I actually feel SOMETHING.

Thankfully (really?) it doesn’t last long, as the anxiety is just round the corner. That’s basically a summary of the past few weeks in my brain.
Things are changing. My best furry friend is not longer here. Which makes these exposure therapy work harder (as I have no one that literally drags me outside). And of course, I miss her so bloody much!!

I know for the majority of people with anxiety, any changes can be very triggering. I thought I deal well with changes? But maybe that’s not quite true. I mean, I know I will be okay. I KNOW that. But.. there’s still some fear and anxiety about it all, that’s eating me up a little.

However, as much as I might be struggling with therapy right at this moment, I know that will pass.

I’ve realised that I’ve been trying to push myself, a lot. No matter how I’ve been feeling, I’ve been trying to get to my exposure goals and push a little past it each day. I’ve been doing a lot of pushing myself. And it all started to feel overwhelming.

Today, I had a bit of reality check with myself. I realised that as hard as I’m trying I am not okay right now, but THAT’S OKAY!

I wrote in my journal “DON’T BE SO FUCKING HARD ON YOURSELF, YOU’RE DOING THE BEST YOU CAN RIGHT NOW!!!!”

Sometimes, it takes months for me to realise that I need to give myself a break. So I’m happy that I’ve been able to acknowledge this now.

I’ve been trying to really skip past the grief point and all the sadness that comes with it and trying to feel all content and happy with life so I could go back to posting more on this blog and spreading the love and light that I’ve had pouring out of me. But for now, I need to invest some of that love in myself and the people around me.

I know that it is OKAY NOT TO BE OKAY! For now, that’s okay. It won’t last forever. But I’ll just be here doing my best, as I always do, without trying to distract myself too much from what’s going on inside my head.

Our mental health is just as important as our physical health (if not more). It’s so extremely important to take care of it and TALK ABOUT IT!! I’ve been openly talking about it for the past year and will continue to do that because it’s so important to know that we are not alone in this.

Talking about our mental health can literally save lives! Please, never underestimate the power of sharing. Pour your heart out! I’ll listen. <3

Love, Kay. <3