Instagram vs. Reality: Chronic Illness Flare Up Edition:
I have carried so much shame around the way my body looks from a very young age. It’s what led me to have body dysmorphia for most of my life and eating disorders in my teens.
I went through many relapses until I got to a more stable place, but even then any weight change would be enough to trigger some ED thoughts or behaviors.
My body gained a lot of weight in the last few months due to chronic illness flare up. Even now the eating disorder thoughts can still show up.
“You need to starve yourself, look at how fat you are.”
“Everyone is going to hate you for the way your body looks now.”
“Don’t show up online or show your face or body until you lose the weight.”
In this society that we live in it can often feel like there’s nothing worse than having fat on your body. It weirdly seems okay for others to comment on your weight and constantly give you tips on how you should lose it without knowing about any underlying issues someone might be dealing with.
More than society’s bullshit, I’m tired of my own bullshit!
I’m sick of giving everyone I see a heads up “oh btw, I’ve put a lot of weight on, pls don’t hate me or throw potatoes at me.”
I’m sick of how I’ve been treating my body, how I’ve been trying to hide it and not wanting to look at it.
I’m sick of treating my body like it’s my enemy when it’s actually doing so much for me, every single day!
I’m sick of caring what other’s might think, and I’m sick of putting myself down and giving into thinking that my size defines my worth. It never did, and it still does not!
The truth is that our bodies are going to change, through different periods of our lives. But it’s not a reason to stop our lives for it, to shame and hide ourselves.
There is so much more to us than what we look like and I have to remind myself this while I’m learning to accept this temporary version of my body. Hating and shaming myself for it only prolongs my own suffering.
If you can do anything for yourself today, give yourself a big hug and remind yourself that your body is amazing even when it doesn’t look like most people’s bodies that you see on Instagram.
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I like the way you say a temporary version of your body, very uplifting. This is a great post, and full of wonderful sayings about the physical presence. Our bodies are merely vehicles to get us from a to b and they change over time, and the older they get like mine, the more battle scars to prove a life well led.