I remember falling in love with photography. I loved everything about it. Being able to just capture moments always felt so magical. I remember the first time I used a ‘proper’ camera (my auntie’s old Nikon DSLR) made me realise even more, just how much I love photography.
At one point of my life, that was the only way I was able to express myself. Eventually I even thought that I wanted to make it a full time thing. But some part of this felt empty. There was something missing and I couldn’t put my finger on it.
I never felt like I fitted into the photography industry. For most of photographers Photoshop is such a necessity so of course I tried to make it mine. But every time I airbrushed myself or my models it didn’t feel right. The photographers I followed, their photoshoots/models always looked so FLAWLESS but none of it seemed real. Well, it wasn’t.. Photography wasn’t even important anymore, it was more about how well you could use Photoshop and apparently the more airbrushed you made someone’s skin the better.
As my mental health was getting worse, the style of my photography changed. I wanted to be more ‘brave’ and express myself, what I felt, what was going through my head. And eventually I found a way to do that through my photography.
But something still didn’t feel completely right.
When I started blogging I gradually realised just how much I wanted and had to say. How I didn’t want to put negative labels on myself anymore and I just wanted to express myself through words!
But I never really liked writing. I didn’t think I was good at it and I never thought I had any imagination, ideas to write about anything. What I know now is that, I was scared. Scared to express myself or even be myself.
I grew up in a domestic violent environment, I was silenced from a very young age, even though I didn’t realise then, I held everything in. I knew I couldn’t tell anyone about what was actually going on in my life. But I think that spilled over in every aspect of my life. My insecurities, mental health issues but also now my strengths, resilience and determination to help others, to express myself, to spread the awareness.
I now realise just how much I value being able to express myself, especially when that got threatened by people who don’t want me to speak up. It made me realise just how much what I do has an impact and it might be uncomfortable to some to hear my truth.
We are all on our own individual journeys. Not everyone will get us or like what we do. But that’s OKAY.
I’ve realised just how important for me is to be my authentic self. Speak MY truth and express myself. And that’s what I intend to keep doing.
YOU do you, always.